I am back. I don’t have any kick ass explanations as to why I’ve been gone. The only explanation I can think of at the moment is that I have been EXTREMELY overwhelmed. I am back in school full time. I don’t mind going to the classes at all. What gets me about school is all of the reading, papers, preparations, homework, etc. that I have to do outside of school. I am always strapped for time. I think my sanity is long gone as well. In addition to being overwhelmed by school, I am overwhelmed at home. I have a TON of things to do. I have to paint the ENTIRE inside of my home. The gallons of paint have been sitting in my living room since before Thanksgiving. Ridiculous. It’s just so hard for us to get motivated after work. When the weekend rolls around, I have class and Tony has to tend to the kids. I know they are older and can be told no or that someone else has to bring them where ever, but that’s not always an option. They’re teenagers and want to have fun. They should have fun. I remember the irritation and frustration when I was told no because my mom didn’t feel like driving. We don’t want to do that to them. Especially when they only get a few hours on the weekend to hang with friends or family.
Being overwhelmed has gotten me off my game. My eating hasn’t reverted back to nasty foods like take out, etc. I just don’t exercise AT ALL. Because of my school schedule, I only get to take my 2.5 mile walk at lunch on Monday’s, Wednesday’s, and Friday’s. I did go on my walk Monday. It felt great. I didn’t get to go today. I had to read for class tonight. I didn’t get home last night until 6 p.m. I didn’t finish cooking until 7:30 p.m. (Dinner for us is usually no later than 6:00 on week nights - needless to say I felt so far behind.) After that, I had laundry to fold and put away. My allergies have been acting up and my throat was hurting pretty badly. It feels like the back of my throat is swollen and it’s sore. I tried to skim my studies, but it just wasn’t happening. I showered and went to bed for 9:00. I have been, however, taking the stairs in the parking garage. Yay for that at least!
Another issue I have is that I keep comparing my lack of progress to the amazing successes my friends are experiencing. Now granted they are all on diets and/or exercise and gym routines and I only diet and maybe sometimes take a walk. I just feel like I can’t get it together. I feel defeated before I even begin. I REALLY do want it; I just don’t know how to push myself to get it. I know there are simple fixes to my problems. It just takes determination and will power. But, how does one get the determination to figure out and start a routine that works for them and then have the will power to push through it? I feel like I’m in quicksand. I just keep getting in deeper and deeper. I need to get pulled out of this shit. I’m pissing myself off just typing this blog. I know all of the things I need to do. I have the ability to do them. So why is my ass just sitting back and bitching about it instead of getting the f up and moving on it?! Sometimes, I just look in the mirror and cry. The person in my head is SCREAMING at the person in the mirror asking what the f-ing problem is! Why are you looking so defeated and as though you have no way of helping yourself? ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET UP OFF YOUR ASS!
I plan on taking off this Friday. I was going to take all of Friday, Sunday, Monday, and Tuesday to do the painting, but I think that I will use Friday to catch up (and maybe get ahead) on school work. Saturday is JAM PACKED for me. I am doing a 10K with Shannon in the morning. After that, I have to go straight to class. After class, I have to go home, shower (if there’s enough time), and then go to a friend’s kid’s 1st birthday party (Jenny - Jude’s 1st birthday was actually yesterday). Maybe beginning Sunday I’ll hit the ground running with painting. I have a feeling that Tuesday will be a wash. I’m not a Mardi Gras kind of person, but it would be nice to spend the day with the family. I guess we’ll just see what happens.
I am definitely not looking forward to weighing in next week, but I will do it anyway. I need to get my mojo back. Where in the f did it go?! If you find it, can you PLEASE send it back my way? Thanks!